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Silly Mistakes Derailing Your Efforts to Get Your Ex Back

How long have you been working to get your ex back without seeing any real results? Many people in your shoes are surprised to learn that it isn’t what you aren’t doing that’s holding you back. It’s the things you are doing, that are working against you. Here are a few common roadblocks that could be derailing your trip back to relationship bliss.

You are Proud to be there for Your Ex

It’s a noble idea. Really it is. However, if you’re there for a friendly ear, a comforting shoulder, or a fast perk-me-up whenever your ex needs it from you, your ex isn’t really missing out on the benefits of being in a relationship with you. It’s getting all the fringe benefits of a loving relationship without putting in the work to keep things going. Instead, you’re going to have to let your ex deal with the stings life delivers sometimes without the solace of your comforting presence.

You Keep Trying

I know this one goes against everything your heart (and to some degree your head) is screaming at your right now. However, in times of crisis, reason isn’t even in charge of your head either. Reason rarely rules the heart. Why should a time of emotional distress be any different? One person can’t do it all in the relationship.

Pat Benatar had it right when she sang, “Love is a Battlefield.” Love is war and the winners, in love, have a plan. The tactical advantage goes to the one who retreats, assesses the situation impartially, and plans a strategic assault with victory in mind. You had better believe love is war. And you need to take a little time to assess your current position, the hostility of the terrain, and the best path to victory before you go in with guns (or in this case Cupid’s arrows) blazing.

You Attack from a Position of Weakness

Fans of NCIS know that team leader Gibbs is always telling his team not to apologize. According to Gibbs, apologizing is a sign of weakness. While that’s a philosophical debate for the most part, when you’re trying to save your relationship or get your ex back, it is often viewed, the leaving party, as a sign of weakness. You don’t want to make your move from an inferior position. Instead, lead with your strengths.

Show your power. Establish your dominance. Come in swinging from a position of strength and don’t ever let your ex see you sweat. There’s nothing sexier, to members of the opposite sex, than confidence. Be confident in yourself, your contribution to the relationship, and the fact that it’s just not time for this relationship to end.

Above all else, don’t make a move until you know what you’re going to do next. Have a contingency plan in place for a favorable outcome as well as a less-than-favorable outcome so that you don’t come across as desperate if you don’t win this round. Your mind needs to remain focused on the long-term prize of getting your ex back and every plan needs to ultimately lead you down that happy road.

How Badly Do You Really Want to Get Your Ex Back?

In the first few days following a breakup, getting your ex back is probably all you can think about. It becomes a mantra playing repeatedly in your mind. Depending on how long and deeply involved the relationship may have been, it may be the only thing helping you hold onto a little bit of sanity as your mind comes to terms with what your heart has already discovered — the pain of loss.

It’s important to allow a little time to pass before you make your move and try to get your ex back. Why is that? Because sometimes it’s best to gain a little perspective and distance from the heartache you’re feeling right now.

Distance makes it possible for your ex to forgive hurtful words and deeds, forget pain, and begin to remember the pleasure of being with you. Allowing time for some of the more pleasant aspects of your relationship to resurface in the heart and mind of your ex buys the time you really need to make a positive impression. Unfortunately, you have to want it really bad in order to do this. It takes a lot of discipline to hold off long enough for the good memories to come back to life.

That’s the problem most people in your shoes have, though. Finding the patience and strength of will it takes to really let your ex go and wait. Wait, however long it takes, for your ex to come back to you.

However, there are things you can do to fill your time so that it doesn’t feel like you’re waiting around forever for your ex to come back to his or her senses and realize what a catch you really are.

  1. ¬†Get in shape. Whether you wish you were a little more muscular or want to lose a few extra pounds, there’s no time like the present to get started. Not only will this leave a more attractive package when your ex does come calling, it’s a great way to boost your confidence, restore your self-esteem, and fill the hours that are no longer devoted to spending time with your ex.
  2. Go back to school. Even if you aren’t going back for a degree. Many colleges are participating in the open culture of study these days. You can take classes from Harvard, Yale, and other top universities throughout the country free online. The knowledge you gain from these courses is invaluable even if you don’t gain a degree. Some programs offer certificates of completion that can help provide you with greater upward mobility in your chosen profession.
  3. Focus on activities and interests that lift you up. We all have areas in our lives where we’d like to see improvement. We all want to be better than we are in some ways. Now is the perfect chance for you to focus on being a better YOU!

While you’re busy doing all these things, your ex is busy missing you. More importantly, he or she is hearing, from others, about all the positive changes you’re making. Your ex is sure to want to be a part of the improvements going on in your life. Now is the time when your ex is most likely to come calling. Do you know what you’re going to say when your ex does?